I scoff at the very mention of the Beatles. I only like an artist's "early stuff." To me, all bands on modern rock radio are either ripoffs of other bands (which is bad) or sad versions of their former selves (which is much, much worse). I have a ridiculously large pair of headphones, and I take great pleasure in playing John Zorn's Kristallnacht through them when I ride on public transit. And as for you, fair reader, your taste in music is crap and, frankly, I hate you.

For you see, I am a Music Snob. You know my type: I work at that small record store near the new sushi restaurant in the west end, and I laughed in your face when you came in and asked where you could find the new U2 album. I butted in to your conversation about Marilyn Manson at the bar last week to inform you that Alice Cooper did not invent shock rock, since Screamin' Jay Hawkins was doing it in 1956. I think any band who has sold more than 1,000 records are "overexposed." I must control the stereo at parties.

We're adversaries, you and I, but as my bank account is alarmingly low (a reality for most Music Snobs, since the albums we buy are only distributed by microscopic record labels in Germany and cost $79.99 each--on vinyl), I'm willing to share with you a few of our secrets.

I doubt you want to be a Music Snob, or that you even could be one if you wanted to. But I know you'd benefit from a brief music lesson that will allow you to go ear-to-ear with someone of my staggering aural intellect. Because hey, if you'd known who Screamin' Jay Hawkins was that night at the bar, maybe the girl you were talking to would've given you her number.

Okay, lesson number one: The Velvet Underground are the paradigm Music Snob band. They released their first album (The Velvet Underground and Nico) in 1967 and self-destructed three years and another three brilliant records later. But their music--shocking, sometimes atonal affairs filled with blatant references to heroin and homosexuality with guitars that sound ready to implode--has influenced punk, alternative, and every other rock genre of the last 30 years. Dozens of bands, from Duran Duran to the Cowboy Junkies, have covered a VU or solo Lou (Reed, the band's lead singer, principal songwriter and co-founder, known to all Music Snobs simply as Lou) song. In any intellectual music conversation, name-drop The Velvet Underground as often as possible.

In fact, name-drop any obscure band as often as possible--this is lesson number two of Music Snobbery. Ours is a game of how much you know, so it's important to flaunt your knowledge at any given opportunity. Context isn't even necessarily important; all you need is a bit of background information on key artists so that you may diminish the accomplishments of other artists by saying, for example, "Nirvana was a great band, but they would've been nothing without the foundation of orchestrated feedback squalls laid by Sonic Youth."

The third and most important lesson of Music Snobbery deals with record stores. We hate chain stores with a divine and unparalleled passion, and would celebrate Nero-style if they collectively burned to their foundations. But we practically live in the little shops, where vinyl LPs outnumber CDs and nothing is organized, so you should really know how to pass as a Music Snob when you step into our domain.

Most importantly, you need to learn how to flip through the records. Like most non-Snobs, you probably go at a normal pace: flip...flip...flip, flip. If you do, you're a marked outsider. Music Snobs can be divided into two flipper categories: the Scrutinizers (flip...look at front and back of some record...flip...flip back to the previous record to look at it AGAIN!...flip...flip) and the UberScanners (flip, flip, flip flip flipflipflipflipflipflip...flip flip). Assume one of the two personalities and you'll fit in fine. But remember: the most knowledgeable--and therefore bitterest--Music Snobs aren't sifting through the bins. We are (as I alluded to off the top) glaring at you from behind the counter.

There are, of course, dozens of other lessons to our craft, but these three should be enough to last you about thirty seconds in a room with a Music Snob -- enough time to drop a few names and make for the door. Just remember: we are not a passive bunch. We are out to prove our supreme knowledge over you of all things musical. We have a few favourite topics of conversation to trap you, and we love nothing more than to make you squirm and feel inadequate. So use this information and arm yourself. The chicks'll dig ya for it.

Here's some basic info and links to the allmusic.com bios of a few essential Music Snob artists.
Note: NDICA = Name-Drop In Conversations About.

The Velvet Underground are the most influential band in the history of rock music. Someone (likely Brian Eno) once said that only 1,000 people bought the first Velvets album, but all of those people started a band. NDICA: every rock band from 1970 onward.

Sonic Youth are the most important rock band of the last 15 years. Their innovative use of alternate tunings, feedback and cordless drills brought new appreciation to the art of noise, and they convinced Nirvana to sign with DCG Records for their second album, Nevermind -- the record that launched the alternative rock explosion in 1991. NDICA: any guitar-based group formed after 1986, especially Nirvana and the dozens of bands who think they're Nirvana.

The Germs were the ultimate punk band, featuring guitarist Pat Smear (who later played with Nirvana and the Foo Fighters) and a now-deceased frontman named Darby Crash. Based in Los Angeles, The Germs self-destructed before anyone could really find out about them, cementing their legacy in the process. NDICA: any punk or hard rock band, especially those with a dead lead singer or prominent member (like Sublime, Nirvana, INXS, AC/DC, the Minutemen and the Sex Pistols).

G.G. Allin shat, pissed and cut himself on stage. Screamin' Jay Hawkins may have been the first shock-rocker, but Allin was the most disgusting. Nobody could live up to his stench. NDICA: Alice Cooper, Kiss, Marilyn Manson, the Sex Pistols, Eminem and any supposedly scary "rap-rock" or "nu-metal" band like Korn, Limp Bizkit or the Insane Clown Posse.

My Bloody Valentine remain popular with Music Snobs because they released a "perfect" album -- 1991's Loveless -- and then disappeared. What a way to build a legend. The term shoegazer rock was coined to describe MBV's tendency to stand perfectly still and stare at the ground during live performances. NDICA: alternative rock -- call Loveless "the quintessential alt-rock record" for extra points.

Aphex Twin (Richard James if you believe his underwear) is a seminal experimental electronic soundscape artist, known for both his synapse-popping noise explosions and his sparse, minimalist concept pieces. NDICA: Radiohead (especially their album Kid A), Chemical Brothers, Nine Inch Nails and anybody else who uses freaky-sounding electronic bleeps in their music.

Kraftwerk are the first known proponents of electronic pop music. Their seamless synthesized compositional style has continued to influence dozens of styles today. NDICA: any machine-created musical genre -- including techno, house, drum 'n bass, trance and jungle.

Brian Eno helped invent glam-rock and introduced synthesized, manipulated sounds to scads of rock musicians. He's the most important electronic/rock crossover artist ever. NDICA: David Bowie, U2, Talking Heads, Devo.

Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five brought heavy lyrics and heavier beats to rap music in the 80s. Considered the innovators of turntable artistry and the main proponents of the political power of urban music. NDICA: serious hip-hop artists like Public Enemy, Wu-Tang Clan, N.W.A., Beastie Boys and Talib Kwali.

Uncle Tupelo are largely credited with sparking the modern roots-rock or alt-country movement. The band broke up in 1993, and its two founders, Jeff Tweedy and Jay Ferrar, formed Wilco and Son Volt, respectively. NDICA: Blue Rodeo, Cracker, Dave Matthews Band, Blues Traveler.

Tom Waits popularized the "found-sound" recording technique, where a hubcap makes the perfect crash cymbal. NDICA: one-man band singer-songwriters who love "weird" sounds -- Beck and Nine Inch Nails, for example.

The Dust Brothers production duo popularized the cut-and-paste sampling style currently plastered all over the top-20 charts. NDICA: any vapid dance-pop act (Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync, Britany Spears, etc.), as well as Eminem, the Beastie Boys, Beck and the Chemical Brothers (who used to be named the Dust Brothers as a tribute to their idols, but were forced to change monikers once they became as well-known as the actual Dust Brothers).

Although Music Snobs love to live in the past, there are a few modern groups that can warrant a name-drop on occasion. Among them are indie rock bands like Guided By Voices, Yo La Tengo and Pavement; experimental art rockers Stereolab, Tortoise and Gastr del Sol; the post-rock soundscape collective Godspeed You Black Emperor!; and any of the militant DIY (Do It Yourself) home-studio geniuses in the Elephant Six recording circle -- especially my personal favourite, Neutral Milk Hotel.

Here are a few sample Music Snob conversations, arranged as follows: